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What are the types of child resentment towards parents?

1. Parents reproach the child for not hearing them, but, in fact, they themselves do not delve into the essence of the baby's problems. How often do parents not only listen to their children, but also hear them? Children, in turn, harbor a grudge for years that their parents do not pay attention and do not want to understand.

2. Parents are often annoyed by the actions of their children. But what is parental annoyance? This is the absence of a possible solution to the problem and also resentment towards the child. The child, in turn, is offended by punishment, and as a result, a vicious circle is obtained.

3. Another vivid example of a child’s resentment is that parents do not allow him to develop in the kind of activity that he likes. Perhaps your child can become a creative person or an actor, and already in elementary school you force him to additionally study mathematics and chemistry. Try to pay attention to the abilities of your child, so that in the future he does not blame you for not helping him to realize himself in life.

4. The child does not see support and support in you. Learn to help the baby, because he is only at the very beginning of his life and he really needs approval, understanding and advice. How can parents learn to avoid the appearance of resentment of the child?

1. Parents should devote more time to their child so as not to encounter possible difficulties, because this can become a real problem.

2. In order to avoid resentment, it is important to stop, first of all, being offended by the child, because he subconsciously takes an example from older family members. From an early age, parents bring up their children in such a way that they must be obedient in everything, impeccably fulfill all decrees, as well as their grievances - these are nonsense that you should not pay attention to. But the child still cannot fully master his emotions, so resentment grows in him for many years and can sometimes turn into hatred.

3. It is important for parents to start working on their emotions so that their child does not experience internal discomfort in the future.

4. Find opportunities to reward your child for speaking out loud. negative thoughts. This is very important for his inner comfort, because children who hold a grudge against their parents in childhood carry it into adulthood. Talk to your child and ask about how he feels mentally and if he is in a good mood.

5. Listen carefully to your child. In fact, no matter how stupid and banal it may seem, but almost all the grievances of the child arise on the basis of the lack of attention from the parents. He, as you think, cannot have problems or a bad mood, but this is not so. It seems to parents that the problems of the child are nothing, but the child thinks in a completely different way.

6. Learn to look at the situation through the eyes of a child. Once you learn how to do this, you will more interesting to the child and he will trust you more. Try to identify any note of negativity in his voice and come to a solution together. Examples of child grievances and their causes. - Often there are situations like this: a young mother seeks help from a psychologist, due to the fact that her son spends little time at home and contacted a dubious company. He shows aggression and negativity towards his parents and is practically never at home.

A typical example of veiled resentment towards parents, but parents are too busy to understand this. Later, the specialist revealed the fact that there was no father in this family, and mother and grandmother directed all their love and care to their youngest daughter. In fact, the psychologist determines that the grandmother and mother do not want to waste their time and love on their son and simply do not pay him due attention. The child is offended, but the parents do not notice this. This situation is very typical in many families. And if mother and grandmother paid enough attention to their son, then he would feel needed and more often spent his free time at home. - The second example is also a vivid demonstration of the typical grievances of children against their parents.

The man brought his son, who is 15 years old, to a psychologist because he was completely out of hand, started skipping classes and not doing his homework. The psychologist took up a detailed analysis and found out that this man is very jealous of his wife, therefore, often on the basis of this, there are quarrels and scandals in the family. A person who has nothing to do with psychology can say that there is no connection. In fact, the boy is very afraid of his parents' divorce and holds a grudge against them inside himself, so he tries to provoke aggression towards himself in order to at least slightly reduce the risk of divorce. There are a lot of such examples, but this means that parents themselves very often spoil the life of their baby, without themselves realizing it.

Avoid hurting your child:

1. Listen 2. Advise 3. Pay attention 4. Do not laugh at the problems of the child 5. Do not put yourself above him 6. Do not order, but ask.

Problem families are distinguished by their special specifics. If there are alcoholics, drug addicts, disabled people or an incomplete family in the family, then there may be several models of children's behavior. Such a child can hold a grudge against his relatives and withdraw into himself, he can follow the path of mom or dad, or he can build his own destiny in a completely different way, in order to prove by his own example that he can be better. Children always hold a grudge against their mother or father who got divorced, did not help him in self-realization, who changed his fate or simply did not listen in time. That is why always try to pay attention to the needs of the child and his psycho-emotional state.

Unfortunately, parents very rarely care about the fact that they are offended by a child, because they consider it stupidity and childish selfishness. If you learn to see in your child not only a person who still understands little in life, but also a personality, then you will find family happiness and well-being. Often children who hold a grudge rarely come to visit their parents in the future and call extremely rarely only out of necessity, because they remember from an early age that these people are not interested in their opinion.

Often, our children grow up in an environment in which they do not find an example to follow, because we, the parents, ourselves are not a model and do not treat our parents, the boss or the leadership of the country in which we live with due respect. How we respond to adversity and disappointment in our home, work, or community at large teaches our children more than any moral teachings. How often, when starting an argument with your father or mother, in a fit of anger or irritation did you say: “Shut up! You do not understand anything!" or “Don’t interfere, I myself know what to do…”?

How many times have we offended, humiliated, hurt with our words, irreverent, wrong attitude? How often do we make claims to our parents, pointing out their shortcomings and imperfections, scold the government, are ungrateful and disrespectful to those who once provided us with invaluable help and support? You may ask: “But what if the parents are alcoholics? What if they abandoned me at the hospital? If I never received love and support from them? We may have various reasons rejection of their parents. Perhaps you think that an alcoholic father is not worthy of your respect and respect, or that the boss you report to at work is too strict and unfair to give him due respect?

I think that each of us can tell our situation or an example, remember the time of insults, quarrels and disagreements, when, justifying ourselves, we can get angry, offended and disrespectful to people, without whom our birth and life on earth would be impossible or inferior.

We know from history that a people raising irreverent sons will not have good citizens either, because practically all the problems of our society originate in the family, where life values ​​are formed and the foundation of the future personality is laid.

It is not a secret for any of us that our life is built on certain principles and rules, the observance of which guarantees not only the achievement of success and happiness, but also the realization of even the most daring and seemingly unrealizable hopes and expectations. Throughout our lives, starting from the school bench, we study the operation of various laws, observe a certain order in various areas, from the laws of physics to the laws and principles of building human relationships. The principle of reverence is one of them and determines how successful and effective our life will be, how strong our relationships with other people will be.

Reverence is the recognition of the importance or worth of another person. When we show respect, we recognize the dignity, importance and weight of another person, not allowing ourselves to EVEN IN THOUGHT to slander a person.

The right attitude and respect for the authorities (parents, senior management, pastor, coach, etc.) makes it possible to achieve the maximum and fulfill dreams, realize all your intentions and goals.

Unfortunately, even in spite of what is so obvious, we refuse to recognize these principles, correct our mistakes, cultivating fatherlessness, ingratitude, betrayal, disrespectful attitude towards elders, higher authorities and authorities. Looking at world history, we can see what catastrophes, crises and social problems comprehended society as a result of rebellion and disobedience. Where a person's respect for power is lost, such social diseases as alcoholism, drug addiction, prostitution, juvenile delinquency, homelessness, and suicide inevitably arise.
Dear readers, you are holding a book in your hands that will answer many of your questions and help in resolving even the most serious intra-family, interpersonal and national conflicts that arise on the basis of a disrespectful, boorish attitude towards people who, in fact, deserve deep respect and virtue. .
THE ROLE OF FATHER AND MOTHER IN OUR LIFE

"One father means more than a hundred teachers", Herbert George, English writer and publicist.

HOW TO MEASURE A PATHER'S CARE?
Many of us can say that more than once we felt angry, annoyed, or resentful towards our parents. This is because, perhaps, parental opinion is contrary to our position, life principles, or does not correspond to our understanding of the situation. We believe that their point of view does not deserve attention and parental advice should not be heeded.

Some of us say to ourselves: “How can I not be offended and respect my father, because he left us? ..”. “My father is an alcoholic, he didn’t give me anything good…” or “I was brought up by the street, my parents never cared about me, why should I love and honor them?!”. Perhaps you and your parents once asked yourself one of these questions, and your parents were really wrong in something, causing pain with their actions, words or deeds.

Unfortunately, many of us don't think about the price our parents paid to raise us the way we are. Trying to prevent many dangers and problems, they strived to raise happy, healthy and self-confident children.

Over the years, our mom and dad made great efforts to raise us worthy people. The role of father and mother in our life can hardly be overestimated, because they are the main and first people we met in this world.

Our basic trust in people and the world around us depends on what kind of relationship we have with our parents. It is from our parents that we learn to love, think, perceive reality and the events that happen to us. We learn to respond to what happens to us, to show emotions, feelings, to build relationships with people around us.

If we think that there are many reasons in our life to make claims against our parents, let's try to put ourselves in their place and understand that, in spite of everything, despite all their minuses and shortcomings, what we had to go through and go through, they are the best parents for us!

LOVE IS MORE THAN FEELING
“Now, having lived a certain period of time, having passed a certain path, I understand that thanks to my mother I was born and live on this earth. I took the first step in my life by holding her hand. My mother always gave answers to all my stupid childhood questions, even if I asked her the same thing many times in a row. Mom helped me learn about the world around me, took care of my health.

Thanks to my mother, I learned to express my thoughts and behave correctly when surrounded by other people. My mother often calls me and asks about my affairs. She was always by my side in the most difficult and crucial moments of my life. She helped me get rid of childhood fears and look to the future with optimism. I can name a thousand more reasons why I love my mother, and still this list will not be complete, ”writes co-author of the book Svetlana Yaremenko.

A father's love is more than a feeling. This is dedication, giving oneself completely to another, caring for his good, a strong desire to do good to him. It is loyalty that gives a person the strength and desire to stay close when he is in trouble or makes a serious mistake. Love never turns away, no matter what troubles or difficulties are encountered on the path of life.

For children between the ages of two and five years, any prohibition from parents or other adults can become a reason for resentment. For example, trying to accustom the child to cleanliness, the mother did not allow toys to be scattered in the kitchen and splashed in puddles. Or dad refused to buy a car... At this age, the baby perceives the world around him as something that exists for him and only for his sake. And the desire to get everything he wants at once is quite natural for the little “ruler of the world”. Therefore, parental refusal is regarded as an insult.

Growing up, the baby begins to understand that in addition to him, the world is filled with other people who have their own “want” and “don’t want”. He learns to adapt and reckon with these desires, and prohibitions no longer lead to violent reactions and protests. In any case, if mom does not allow climbing into a puddle, it's because you can get your feet wet.

The child resents the parents

Beginning at age five and continuing until age twelve, new and more conscious reasons for childish grievances arise. Now from the child you can hear dissatisfied phrases addressed to the mother: “You are always at work, but you have no time to play with me!”. Be extremely careful - such statements indicate that the baby really suffers from a lack of your attention.

For a working mother, we suggest reading additionally: “If the mother is busy: it is possible and impossible in the upbringing of why”, “Advice to a working mother”.

The next on the list of reasons for resentment is the father. If dad does not praise his own child for any, albeit small, achievement, if he never helps in the game or in school, there will be trouble. Psychologists say that dad's recognition that the daughter or son is the most talented, beautiful, smart is very important for the crumbs. Otherwise, the kid will grow up with low self-esteem.

The child may be offended by his sisters and brothers, with whom he always has to fight for parental attention, or by his peers, whom adults, as a rule, set as an example of negligent offspring.

What causes children's grievances

Resentment is a destructive feeling that can cause anger, rage, frustration, and a desire for revenge. The child does not yet know how to cope with it, and the strongest emotions experienced by him traumatize the psyche, imprinted forever in the subconscious. In adulthood, you will definitely feel the influence of past grievances. For example, due to an unsuccessful joke of a teacher in front of classmates, in adulthood, fear of a large audience, a feeling of anxiety and isolation may well develop.

An overly touchy child, becoming an adult, may face another serious problem - the likelihood of obesity. This conclusion was made by British psychologists and psychiatrists. It turns out that children who were offended and often punished in childhood grew up so insecure that they had to "seize" the feeling of loneliness and anxiety. Hence the problem of excess weight.

Constantly offended, the baby can enter the role for life, applying the role in any situation: at work, at home, at school or college. As a rule, the victim is asked less, everything can be attributed to circumstances: unwillingness to study, do household chores, etc.

And of course, lovers of suffering, in the end, become outcasts. Who wants to constantly listen to lamentations about life and the whole world in general? As a result, friends and acquaintances leave the sufferer alone with his "hard fate."

How to help a touchy child

It is impossible to ignore children's grievances, the child is not yet able to cope with them on his own. However, it is not worth going back. If the children's room is littered with toys, and the baby is whining to buy another one, know how to refuse and firmly stand your ground, not being afraid to offend the little extortionist. When should you sound the alarm?

The child was offended and closed in on himself

Try to talk to the suffering child. Mom is the best educator, who, if not her, should know all the approaches to him? Often, children simply do not want to spoil the mood of their parents by telling them about their problems. But such a game of "silence" can result in an emotional outburst. Take your baby for a walk or an amusement park, watch your favorite movie, or just invite him to beat up a pillow.

Talk to your child about situations that lead to resentment

The peanut became overly touchy at the moment social adaptation at school? Is he constantly bullied by an annoying classmate? A logical chain “resentment - anger - revenge” appears. Your task is to destroy it by inviting the child to find in the offender something that can cause a feeling of pity towards him. Perhaps he has problems in the family or low self-esteem, so he “breaks away” on the others. It is not necessary that your son completely forgive the offender, it is necessary that he stop thinking about revenge.

Analyze with your child why his behavior causes dislike of peers

Childhood resentment may be a response to peer aggression. Take a closer look, maybe your son is constantly sneaking around to the teacher, and your daughter avoids communicating with classmates, hiding in a corner? Help the offspring cope with bad habits and complexes, and the reason

A person's life is a change of periods of life, in each of which relations with parents change. AT adolescence the vast majority of people feel total absence understanding with parents. Trying to hold us accountable, parents cited themselves and their childhood as an example. “In our time ...” is a phrase that every teenager has heard more than once.

A person grows up and still remains in his own time, different from the time of his parents. It is difficult to meet someone's requirements, even if these are the requirements of parents, when the world around dictates its own conditions of existence. Yes, and life is taught by people who, in the opinion of children, have achieved little in life, or could achieve much more.

The classic conflict of fathers and children has a modern name "difficult relationship with parents."

The attitude of parents towards their children

Parents tend to idealize their past. Grandparents count Soviet Union ideal country, blaming perestroika for its collapse. They do not want to accept the fact of the natural development of events. They are afraid of everything new, clinging to the past.

The current generation is growing up in an age of speed where change is the norm. The attitude to life changes of parents and children is completely different. For parents, this is fear, but for children, it is a blessing. The hearts of the young demand change, and the older generation wants stability. Therefore, the smallest, even in appearance, interests or environment, changes are perceived by them as a danger. They are not given to understand the desire of the young for everything new. Parents tend to complicate everything that happens to their children. The problems of children seem to be something terrible only because they themselves have not encountered such a thing.

The difference in the views of parents and children is manifested in many ways. If it develops into a conflict, then it should be recognized that both sides are to blame for this. Consider the main contradictions between children and parents.

In the time of dads and moms, a girl from a good family should have become a teacher, doctor or accountant. There are simply no other professions. It is even worse if the family is a dynasty of a certain profession, for example, doctors or artists. Everything is going along a well-trodden path, and high hopes of the family field are placed on children in advance. But here the child shows a desire to leave for another kind of activity.

First reaction: anger and resentment. “Ungrateful,” the mother shouts at her daughter, “we have created all the conditions for you: you will study at the department of Aunt Tanya, you will go to work in the grandfather’s department, dad will help with the internship.” At first glance, it seems that everything is arranged, except for one “but”: no one asked the child for a wish. It doesn't matter how right the parents are. It is important that a daughter or son think about their future.

Desire to live independently

For parents, children are always children. They take care of children, perform some household functions, control. Adult children want to build their own lives, and that's okay. The decision to leave the parental home to live with a girl or a young man is not a betrayal, but a completely obvious adult stage. If at the same time you can provide for your existence, then we can say with confidence that you are ready for an independent life.

They say that a daughter-in-law will please her mother-in-law if she is a dumb statue of gold. Of course, this is far from true. And yet, rarely any of the adults are satisfied with the choice of a son or daughter. The reason for this is the tendency to overestimate their children. The opinion of the parents about the chosen one or the chosen one may be close to the truth, but the offspring is in love, which means that he sees only the good. “Opening the eyes” will not lead to objectivity, but will create conflict.

In addition, each parent draws his own picture of the future of children. At the same time, the image of the chosen one or the chosen one is quite specific. And most often, a living person is different from an imaginary one.

So, complex relationships are made up of a series of inconsistencies. No matter how good you are to your parents, there will always be something that will be controversial:

• you spend too much money on clothes;
• you are not eating right;
• you have the wrong daily routine;
• your girlfriends (friends) are not serious people;
• you do not know how to run a household;
• you speak rudely with relatives, etc.

There will always be stumbling blocks. But still, these are your parents, they wish you well, therefore they are able to accept your life. It takes a little patience and wisdom.

Time is fleeting. The conflict between the past and the future will always be in the form of a conflict between parents and children. Relationships with parents are different indicators and therefore are complex. The main thing to remember is that parents are not eternal, they love you, although they are capable of making mistakes.

How to treat parents?

It’s good to be away, but it’s better to be at home ... This phrase, familiar to everyone these days, seems to be hopelessly outdated. Due to constant family conflicts, many houses have turned into real battlefields. The inability to communicate with each other often nullifies any attempts to reconcile.

Would you like your home to be a hearth of peace and love, and not like a theater of war? Of course, it depends on each family member. However, once you have learned some of the principles of your relationship with your parents, you, for your part, can also do a lot to keep peace in your home.

The problem of "fathers and sons" has existed for a long time. Let's try to understand it and think about how to avoid conflicts with loved ones and loved ones. Unfortunately, many children have a rather tense relationship with their parents. This can happen even if you love your parents and cannot imagine yourself without them.

Parents are people who love you very much, spare nothing for you, and who should be treated with deep respect. No one has such an influence on you as your parents, no family ties are as perfect as the connection with them.

When parents demand that their children clean the room, do their homework, or return home no later than a certain hour, many teenagers immediately begin to resent or, worse, openly ignore the requests of their parents! However, not only the atmosphere in the family, but also his own life depends on how a teenager treats his parents.

Yes, a lot depends on behavior. So let's think about what it means to respect the father and mother.

The word "honor" means the recognition of legally established authority. Parents are endowed with certain powers in the family, and they are responsible for their children until they come of age. And that means you need to respect their right to make rules for you. It is true that someone may have more forgiving parents than you. But after all, your dad and mom have to decide what is best for you, besides, each family has its own rules.

It is also true that even the best parents are sometimes too strict - and even unfair.

But in fact, everything is provided for your own good. And your parents really love you and care about you.

For example, Sergey's mother constantly reminded him that the six-lane freeway that runs not far from their house should only be crossed over a special pedestrian bridge. Once, two girls from his school began to persuade him to run across the road in order to take a shortcut. Ignoring the fact that the girls called him a coward, Sergei went to the transition. Walking across the bridge, he heard the squeal of brakes. Looking down, the boy froze in horror: before his eyes, the girls were hit by a car, and from the impact they were thrown up!

Fortunately, obedience to parents rarely becomes a matter of life and death, and yet, as a rule, obeying parents is beneficial.

Of course, you understand that there will be nothing to expect respect from your children if you yourself do not treat your own parents with respect and understanding.

The translation from the Greek "to honor" literally means "to consider precious." Therefore, you need to treat your parents as people who are infinitely dear to you, worthy of respect. This includes love and appreciation. However, some teenagers feel anything for their parents, but not love.

"Difficult" parents - are they worthy of respect?

And indeed, if parents are quick-tempered, lead an immoral lifestyle, get drunk and quarrel with each other, are they really worthy of respect?

Your parents gave you life. For that alone, they deserve respect.

Your parents, imperfect as they were, sacrificed so much for you.

According to one study, the cost of raising a child until the age of 18 is at least $66,400!

It must be remembered that parents give you not only money, but also love, care and joy. Try to always remember this.

Also, understand that even if your parents don't set the best example, it doesn't mean everything they tell you is bad.

How to suppress resentment?

But what if the parents seem to be abusing their power? You shouldn't go out of your way. Neither indignation nor enmity will achieve anything.

Parents often see themselves in their children. When they get offended and criticize some of your mistakes or mistakes, it is quite possible that these are the same mistakes and mistakes that they once made themselves.

One girl was very offended that her parents were constantly engaged in sorting out their relationship and seemed to have completely forgotten about her existence. Resentment towards parents resulted in neglect. And, to spite her parents, the girl began to lead a dishonorable lifestyle and take drugs. “It seemed to me that in this way I would repay them for the offense,” she explains bitterly. But, embittered, she harmed only herself.

There can be many reasons for arguing with parents: what time you need to come home, with whom to be friends, what to wear or what program to watch on TV.

Some guys complain that all arguments with their parents end the same way: both sides pout at each other for hours. After such skirmishes, you want to close yourself in your room, and these quarrels spoil the mood for a long time for parents.

Most importantly, do not raise your voice in an argument with your parents. Any argument in which someone raises their voice can easily escalate into a major quarrel. If you try to speak calmly and convincingly, your parents are likely to listen to your arguments.

Do not immediately blame your parents for not understanding you and generally treating you like a baby. Try to understand what caused such strict parental requirements.

Know that parents are responsible for their actions and will answer for any serious injustice done to you. Sometimes it's better to forgive your parents for the pain they caused you and try to forget about it (cover it with your love). Instead of paying attention to the mistakes of parents, it is better to think about their good qualities.

For example: One teenage girl lived with a mother who was not particularly sensitive to her children, and with an alcoholic stepfather. Notice how learning to understand their shortcomings helped her to suppress her resentment. She says: “Probably, my mother did not show love for us because she herself was not accustomed to this - she was treated very cruelly as a child.”

Fortunately, there are few cruel and irresponsible parents. Most likely, your parents are interested in you and try to be a good example for you. But despite this, they can sometimes cause you irritation. “It used to happen that you would start discussing some problem with your mother, but she didn’t understand you at all,” the teenager recalls. - It pissed me off so much that out of anger I began to say anything to her, just to hurt her. That's how I usually tried to repay her. But when I left, I felt terribly uncomfortable; I knew she wasn't feeling any better now."

Thoughtless words hurt and offend, but do not solve problems. “But the tongue of the wise heals” (popular proverb). “Although it was difficult,” the guy continues, “I would return home and apologize to her. That's when I discussed my problem more calmly, and usually we managed to find some way out.

Eight steps to reconciliation:

1. I decide to make an effort to be noticed and heard by my parents, But not by screaming, quarreling, anger.

2. My parents have the right to make mistakes, because it is not known who and how deprived them of love in childhood or in adulthood.

3. I will cover their shortcomings with my forgiveness and love.

4. I will do my best to understand my parents and their lives.

5. I will tell them that I love them, even if I repeatedly have to listen to accusations, reproaches and claims from them.

6. I will be kind to them even if they are rude.

7. My reverence for them will be royal.

8. I decide not to tell them anymore: “shut up”, “everything is enough”, “you don’t understand anything”, etc.

"Daddy was right"

Some teenagers rebel against parental instructions, and then, after exhausting both themselves and their parents, they are convinced that their parents were right. This can be seen from another example: one girl went with a friend to ride in a car. By that time, the guy was already drugged from marijuana and beer. He lost control, and the car crashed into a lamppost at a speed of 100 km / h. The girl survived, but her forehead was badly hurt. And her boyfriend fled the scene and never even showed up at the hospital to help her somehow.

“When my parents arrived at the hospital, I told them that dad was right and that I should have listened to his words for a long time. I made a huge mistake that almost cost me my life, ”the girl admitted. After this incident, she radically changed her attitude towards her parents.

Maybe you could do something to change. Yes, it may seem that honoring your parents is old-fashioned. However, this is not only reasonable, but also correct.

When you have kids of your own, you'll understand why your parents won't let you drive outside until midnight. Unfortunately, it's not safe on the street now, so they worry about you, worry about you. Drugs, gangsters, cars flying through intersections at the speed of light - all this causes panic, horror and terrible anxiety in your parents for you.

But what if you want to show respect to your parents, but you encounter their misunderstanding or feel that they put too severe restrictions on you? We will look at how this situation can be improved in the next lesson.

Why don't my parents understand me?

Everyone wants to be understood. Therefore, it can upset you if your parents show no interest in what you love and consider important, or are critical of it.

Most parents spend a lot of time, energy and love to give their children the very best. However, sometimes their idea of ​​\u200b\u200bthis "best" does not coincide with the point of view of a teenager. Many teenagers, faced with parental misunderstanding, withdraw into themselves. One large-scale study found that 26% of teenagers try to be at home as little as possible.

In many families, the relationship between teenagers and their parents cracks, which often develops into an abyss. What is the reason?

"Strength" or "gray hair"? What will take over?

"The adornment of young men (and girls) is their strength." However, your “strength” can cause a wide variety of conflicts with your parents.

“The decoration of the old is gray hair.” Your parents may not literally have gray hair yet, but they are older than you, and it is natural that they have different views on life. They know that life is not only about joys. Perhaps they have learned this from bitter experience, and therefore they look at everything more soberly than in their youth. Having gained wisdom over the years - a kind of "gray hair" - they are already calmer about what causes you great delight. Yes, between the "strength" of the young and the parental "gray hair" often lies a deep abyss. Therefore, disagreements arise in many families as soon as it comes to dress and appearance, attitudes towards the opposite sex, drug and alcohol use, arrival time, choice of friends and help with the housework. Parents do not understand what is happening to their children, but the teenager himself does not understand what is happening to him.

He doesn’t tell them anything about himself, and they don’t want to get into his soul. Either they question him, but he gets angry and talks to them. The guy tells his parents that he is already an adult and independent, that he himself knows how to live and how to act ... But all the same, the problems of generations are surmountable. But before you count on understanding your parents, try to understand them first.

Parents are people too.

“When I was little, I naturally thought that my mother “could do anything” and that she didn’t have the same weaknesses and feelings as I do,” says one teenager. Then his parents divorced, and his mother had to raise seven children alone. His sister says: “I remember I saw her (mother) crying because she couldn’t cope with all the things. Then I realized how wrong we were. She can’t do everything and always do everything right. We saw that mom is the same person as we are, with the same feelings.”

Realizing that your parents are ordinary people who have the same feelings as you, you will begin to understand them much better. For example, they may worry about whether they will be able to raise you well. Or preoccupied with the many dangers and temptations that surround you, they can sometimes react too painfully to something. Or maybe they are weighed down by some problems: poor health, financial difficulties, personal experiences. Let's imagine that the father does not like his work, but he never complains about it. And if his child says: “How tired I am of going to school,” it is not surprising that the father, instead of words of sympathy, will sharply answer: “What kind of news is this?! I would like your worries!

Think about others.

Live for others if you want others to live for you.

But how do you know what worries your parents?

"Each of you should think not only about your own good, but also about the good of others."

Ask your mother what she was like when she was young. What worried her, what did she aspire to? “Most likely,” one youth magazine says, “mum, seeing that you care about her feelings and that you understand why she has them, will try to be more sensitive to yours.” Undoubtedly, the same can be attributed to the father.

When some kind of conflict arises, do not rush to blame your parents for not wanting to understand you. Ask yourself: maybe mom and dad are not feeling well or are worried about something? Or maybe I offended them with some thoughtless word or deed? Or did they just misinterpret my words? Such sensitivity will serve as a good start to establishing good relations with parents. And then you can make efforts so that your parents begin to understand you too! And yet, many teenagers make this process incredibly difficult. How?

Double life.

This is exactly the life that 16-year-old Natasha led: against the wishes of her parents, she secretly met with one guy. It seemed to her that they could not understand her feelings for him. Naturally, a growing estrangement grew between her and her parents. Natasha recalls: “We only interfered with each other's lives. I couldn't bear to go home." And then she decided to get married - just to leave home!

Many teenagers also lead double lives - secretly doing what their parents forbid them - and then complain that "their parents do not understand them"!

In a few years, you yourself may be in the place of the parents, then you will understand that it is their children who cause the greatest pain.

Fortunately, Natasha was helped by an elderly woman who told her: “Natasha, think about your parents... After all, they raised you. If it’s hard for you to get along with people who gave you love for sixteen years, how can you get along with your peer, who, unlike them, didn’t do all this?

Natasha looked the truth in the eye. And I realized that I was deeply mistaken and that my parents were right. She stopped seeing that guy and started to build a relationship with her parents. If you, like Natasha, hide something from your parents, isn't it time for them to tell them everything?

Your children will treat you the way you treat your parents now.

How can I tell my parents about this?

(Practical advice)

Confessing to parents in some misconduct is not a pleasant thing.

Teenagers who hide their faults often suffer from remorse. Misdemeanors can become an unbearable "heavy burden" for them. Trying to get out, teenagers, as a rule, begin to lie to their parents, thus worsening their situation.

If you have committed a serious offense, tell your parents about everything (the whole truth). They have life experience and, most likely, will help you improve and no longer repeat the same mistakes. “Talk can actually help,” says Sasha. “In the end, when you admit everything, it really becomes easier.” But how should you tell your parents about this?

One book mentions "a word spoken at the right time." But what is the best time? Sasha continues: “I wait until the evening, and at dinner I tell my dad that I have a conversation with him.” But a teenager, whom his mother brings up alone, chooses a different time for a conversation: “Usually I talk to my mother before going to bed - at this time she is more inclined to talk. And when she comes home from work, she's all on her nerves."

Pick a time when your parents are in a good mood.

You could start something like this: "Dad, mom, I need to talk to you." And if it seems that your parents are not up to you now? You can say: “I see you are busy, but this is very important to me. Could we talk?" You can then ask, “Have you ever done something that you were embarrassed to talk about later?”

Now the most difficult thing is to tell your parents what exactly you were guilty of. With due humility, speak the truth, without minimizing the seriousness of your offense or omitting details that are unpleasant to you. Speak in a language understandable to parents and do not use expressions that are understandable only to young people.

Naturally, what you say can hurt and upset your parents. Therefore, do not be surprised and do not be indignant if a hail of reproaches suddenly falls on you! Would you have been in such a position if you had heeded their warnings in due time? So stay calm. Listen to what your parents tell you and answer questions no matter how they are asked.

Of course, a sincere desire to improve will not leave your parents indifferent. Still, be prepared for a well-deserved punishment. Remember that you will need the help and mature advice of your parents more than once. But if you yourself understand that you are doing an act that your parents will condemn, then maybe you should not do it. Therefore, if you get used to trusting your parents with small difficulties, you can safely share with them even more serious problems.

Find time to communicate.

Good communication is the foundation of a good relationship. Whatever problems you have with your parents, mutual understanding usually helps to solve them. If we want to be friends with our parents, we must learn to communicate with them.

Why don't you make it a rule to talk frankly with Mom or Dad?

Associating with those who have a wealth of life experience behind them will protect you from the one-sided view of life that often occurs in adolescents who limit themselves to friendship with their peers.

Courtesy in the family circle begins with how we address each other. We know that your parents affectionately call you by your first name, “son” or “beloved daughter”, but what do you call your parents? Most teenagers speak in groans and grunts.

Is that how you talk to your parents when you have disagreements about clothes, music, or what time to get home?

One guy thought his mother was making completely unreasonable demands. In order to avoid conflicts, he tried to be at home as little as possible. But then I decided to follow those tips (see above). He recalls: “I started sharing my feelings with my mom. He told me why I wanted to do one way or another, not rushing to the conclusion that she already knew everything. He often expressed his pain, explained that he did not want anything bad and that it was very difficult for me, because she treated me like a small child. Then she began to understand me, and little by little everything got better.

You can see for yourself that a “pure heart” and “honest words” help resolve many misunderstandings.

How to settle disagreements.

But this means that the parents will not immediately agree with your point of view. So learn to control your emotions. Express your opinion calmly. Speak to the point and do not go over to objections like “Why is it possible for everyone, but not for me?”

Sometimes your parents will refuse you something. It doesn't mean they don't understand you. Maybe they just want to keep you out of harm's way.

“My mother is very strict,” she says. “I don’t like it when she forbids me something or when she tells me what time to come home. But in her heart she really loves... She cares about me.”

It is impossible to describe in words the peace and love that reign in the family through mutual understanding. The house becomes a reliable shelter from any adversity. But this requires the efforts of all family members.

Parents demand

You say that you are no longer small and you can come home later on weekends. And they say you have to come home on time. You say you want to see a movie that there is so much talk about, and they won't let you. You say you've made some great guys and want to go out with them, and they say they'd like to meet your guys first.

It may sometimes seem to a teenager that his parents do not let him even take a step without their knowledge. That in response to his "I want ..." they will certainly hear their "no."

It seems that there is simply no hiding from the unsleeping parental eye. The 15-year-old girl says: “Dad always wants to know where I am and when I will come home. Most parents do the same. Do they really need to know everything? I want to be more independent."

Teenagers complain that their parents do not consider them at all. There is no trust - almost, they don’t even want to listen, they immediately blame everything. There is no independence - there are only rules around.

"With great sorrow"

Do your parents sometimes treat you like a child? If yes, then do not forget that quite recently you were really small. The image of a helpless child is still alive in the minds of parents, and it is not so easy for them to forget it. They still remember the mistakes you made as a child, and whether you like it or not, they seek to protect you.

This desire is very strong. When parents recede into the background worries about how to give you a roof over your head, clothe and feed you, they often have new difficulties - how to educate and protect you, yes, yes, protect you. And not by accident. And when it seems to them that something threatens your well-being, they begin to worry.

Take, for example, these eternal disputes about what time you should return home. Perhaps you see no reason for such restrictions. But have you ever tried to look at it through the eyes of your parents?

Such an attempt was made by familiar schoolchildren. They made a list of what they thought "parents might think if their kids didn't get home on time." The list also included:

take drugs;

Have been in a car accident

roam in the park

watch films of indecent content;

· trade in drugs;

disgrace our family;

· they were raped or robbed;

taken to the police station

have been put in jail.

Not all parents will come to such seemingly untrue conclusions. But doesn't this really happen to many teenagers? So is it worth it to be indignant when they tell you that late walks and communication with a dubious company can end badly for you?

Why do they do it?

According to some teenagers, their parents worry so much about them that it starts to look like a mania. However, do not forget how much time and effort your parents devoted to you. They may be hurt by the mere thought that you, having matured, will leave your father's house. One woman wrote: “My only son is already nineteen years old, and I am afraid even to think that someday he will leave home.”

Therefore, some parents tend to surround their child with overprotectiveness. However, it would be unwise to react too painfully to this. One young woman recalls: “Until the age of eighteen, my mother and I had a very close relationship ... But as I got older, difficulties arose. I wanted to be more independent, and my mother probably saw this as a threat to our friendship. She tried to keep me close, but that pushed me away even more.”

There is nothing wrong with relative independence, but family unity cannot be sacrificed for it. And how can relationships with parents be more mature and based on mutual understanding and respect, including respect for each other's views? It is very important to remember that respect is won by respect.

And if your parents surround you with excessive care, you should not be indignant. Show your parents the same respect you expect from them.

misunderstandings

Have you ever, for reasons beyond your control, come home later than usual? Did it cause a strong reaction from your parents? Misunderstandings like this give rise to another opportunity to win their respect, which is to remain calm (do not bicker with your parents; do not shed tears or reproach them for questioning your motives).

In any case, always remember that if you are late, find a phone booth and call your parents: The best way gain greater freedom - to prove that you understand your responsibility for your actions.

Rules and requirements

How you respond to the demands of your parents largely determines how they will treat you. Some teenagers begin to take offense at their parents, deceive them or do something out of spite. Demanding, whining, squealing means acting like a child, and you want to convince your parents that you need to communicate with you like an adult. If you want to be allowed to come home later, do not act like a child: do not insist on your own and do not whine that "everyone else is allowed."

Tip: “Tell them in as much detail as possible what you are going to do so that they can help them objectively assess the situation ... If you explain to them where and with whom you will be and why it is so important for you to stay there a little longer, then they probably won’t will object."

When your parents want to meet your friends - it's better if they do, by the way - don't whine like a little one.

Tip: “Bring some friends over to your house sometimes so that when you say you went to the movies with Max, your father doesn’t shout from the other room: “Who else is Max with?”

"He who has it will be given"

Anton cannot talk about his younger brother Ivan without a smile: “I am only 11 months older than him,” he says, “but our parents treated us completely differently. I was allowed a lot. Everything was different with Ivan,” Anton continues. “He was constantly monitored. Father did not even think about teaching Ivan how to drive a car when he grew up. Although I was allowed to use our car. And when Ivan decided that he was already old enough to go on dates, his parents strictly forbade him to do so.

Do you think Anton was a favorite? Not at all. He explains: “Ivan grew up irresponsible and lacking initiative. He often didn't do what he was asked to do. I never argued with my parents, and Ivan did not miss the opportunity to show what he did not agree with. And so he was no longer trusted.

Do you want to be considered an independent and responsible person? Prove it. Take every task assigned to you with all seriousness. Prove to your parents that no matter what they ask you, we can assume that it has already been done!

“I proved to my parents that you can rely on me,” says Anton. “They sent me to the bank, trusted me to pay utility bills, shop. And when my mother had to get a job, I even cooked for the whole family.”

Take the initiative

What do you do when your parents don't tell you to do anything? Show initiative.

Tip: “Offer to cook dinner for everyone and tell your parents that you want to do everything yourself: you will come up with a menu, make a list of products, calculate their cost, go to the store, cook and clean up after yourself.” And if you are not good at cooking, see how else you can help with the housework. You don't have to wait for your parents special instructions when you see dirty dishes, unwashed floor or untidy room.

In the summer or on weekends, many teenagers earn extra money. If you are one of them, have you proved that you know how to handle money properly and do not waste it in vain? Have you ever wanted to help your parents pay for housing or meals? (Take an interest in housing prices in your area - these figures can be a complete revelation to you.) So you need to remember: requests must be reasonable. Do not forget that your parents earn, not print money. You may have less pocket money left, but when your parents notice that you are handling money like an adult, they will probably give you more freedom of action.

But never take money from your parents without permission.

We hope you never do that. Even if your parents do not hide from you where the savings are, never take money without your parents' permission. In relation to relatives, this is a dishonorable act. It's just dishonorable to deceive those who trust you.

Some guys ask what to do if one of their friends asks to borrow money?

If one of your friends makes such a request, and you know that this money is really needed, you can ask your parents.

But we want to warn you: you should not follow the lead of the guys who are engaged in extorting money under the guise of help. In this case, there can be no question of any money. If the “applicant” is too annoying, be sure to tell your parents about it. Do not be afraid of the threats and reproaches of the "imaginary" friend.

Try it yourself first

Parents should be your friends, a source of advice and guidance. But this does not mean that they are obliged to decide everything, down to the smallest detail, for you. You will gain confidence in your ability to make decisions only when you get used to working with your head.

Therefore, do not run to your parents at the slightest sign of anxiety, but first try to understand the essence of your problem yourself. Don't make rash decisions. Try to study the question that concerns you. Calmly think it over, and only then go to your parents. Do not ask them what to do and what they would do in your place, but explain to them what happened. Please share your thoughts on this. And then ask them what they think about all this.

That's when parents will see that you are no longer talking like a child. Your first serious step will prove that you have grown up and deserve more freedom of action. And your parents will most likely start treating you like an adult.

If the parents separated

“I remember when my dad left us. At that time, we didn't even understand what had happened. Leaving for work, my mother left us alone. Sometimes we sat by the window and thought with fear that she, too, had left us...” (a girl, her parents were divorced).

The divorce of parents can be a real tragedy for a child, an unforgettable grief. (Statistical report is one of 12.6 million children who live in homes marked with a divorce sign). Quite often, it gives rise to a whole storm of emotions in a child: shame, anger, anxiety, fear of being abandoned, guilt, depression, a sense of irreparable loss, and even a desire for revenge.

If your parents have recently divorced, you may also have these feelings.

Why do parents separate?

Parents often hide their problems from their children. “I don't remember them fighting,” says the girl, whose parents divorced when she was very young. “I thought they were all right.” And even when parents constantly fight with each other, their divorce can be a complete surprise for the child! It is not uncommon for parents to divorce because one of them is guilty of adultery. Watching a parent's marriage fall apart can be one of the most painful experiences in life.

Some parents seek divorce for unreasonable reasons. Some show selfishness and, instead of overcoming difficulties, get divorced, declaring that "living together no longer brings them happiness" or that they "no longer love each other."

However, if your parents don't answer your questions about divorce or only give you vague answers, it doesn't mean they don't love you. Maybe it's just hard for parents, absorbed in their experiences, to talk about this topic. In addition, they may be embarrassed to admit their insolvency.

“What will happen to me after their divorce?”

After the divorce of their parents, some teenagers, in fact, ruin their own lives. Someone, without hesitation, drops out of school. Someone, giving vent to anger and despair, begins to behave badly - as if taking revenge on his parents for the fact that they got divorced. Oleg recalls: “After my parents divorced, I went around completely broken and depressed. Trouble started at school, and I was left for the second year. In the new class... all I did was do stupid things and get into fights all the time."

Defiant behavior can be very successful in attracting the attention of parents. But is this something you will achieve, except for additional troubles? After all, with his wrong deeds, a person punishes only himself. Try to understand: parents also suffer. Oleg's mother admits: “I completely abandoned the children. After the divorce, I was in such a terrible state that I simply did not have the strength to pay attention to them.

If no one is involved in your upbringing, this does not mean at all that you can behave as you like. Take responsibility for your actions and discipline yourself.

Also, don't make rash decisions like leaving home. If it seems that your parents are not up to you now, talk about how you should proceed with one of your older friends.

And yet you may still have questions about the future. It is understandable that because of the failed marriage of your parents, you may be worried about how successful your own marriage will turn out to be. Fortunately, family troubles are not freckles that are inherited. You have your own, unique life, so your future marriage does not depend on parental failures.

Perhaps now you are beginning to worry about issues related to food, clothing, housing, material means of life - things that you did not even think about before. However, as a rule, even after a divorce, parents try to find an opportunity to provide for their children financially, even if they have to work harder. However, the book on coping with a breakup makes a realistic assessment: “What was once spent on supporting one family is now being spent on two, so each family member has to moderate their demands.”

It may well be that you have to do without what you are used to, for example, without new clothes. You could even participate in the planning of a new family budget. Of course, there is nothing good in the fact that parents get divorced. However, even from such an unpleasant event, you can extract "good". Researcher Judith Wallerstein said: “I was struck and somewhere deeply moved by the emotional and intellectual upsurge (in children of divorced parents) that occurred against the backdrop of family breakdown. The children... seriously reviewed what happened to their parents and came to the right conclusions about their future. They tried to find ways to avoid the mistakes made by their parents.” Without a doubt, the divorce of your parents will not happen for you without a trace. But whether this mark will be an inconspicuous scratch or a non-healing wound is largely up to you.

What can be done?

Try to calm down, at the right time to talk with your parents about what is bothering you. Explain to them that you were very upset and confused when you found out about their divorce. Perhaps they will explain everything to you in more detail. And if not, don't despair.

And finally, remember that, whatever the reason for the divorce, it is not your fault! According to a survey conducted by Wallerstein and Kelly of 60 divorced couples, spouses blamed each other, their bosses, relatives and acquaintances for the breakdown of their marriage. However, according to the researchers, "remarkably, neither spouse blamed the children for this." So the attitude of your parents has not changed towards you.

Time cures

There is a time to heal. As in the case of a bodily injury, such as a fracture, several weeks, or even months, must pass before complete recovery, so in the case of a mental injury, healing also takes some time.

Divorce researchers Wallerstein and Kelly found that "so common fears, grief, unwillingness to believe in what happened ... decrease or disappear altogether" within two years after the parents' divorce. According to some experts, the worst effects of divorce should disappear within 3 years. This may seem like a long time, but before life returns to normal, a lot must change.

For example, the rhythm of life that was broken by divorce should be restored. It will also take time for your parents to recover from the mental shock. Perhaps only then will they be able to give you the support you need. As soon as such regularity appears, you will feel that life is returning to normal. However, Solomon warned: “Do not say: “Why were the former days better than these?” because it is not from wisdom that you ask this.”

Constant memories of the past interfere with the correct perception of the present, they only upset. What was the atmosphere like in the family before the divorce? “Constant quarrels, screams and insults,” Anna admitted.

Maybe now you have peace and quiet?

"I will reconcile them"

Some cherish the hope of reconciling their parents - even when they have already remarried!

But a divorce is a divorce, and it is pointless to deny it. After all, it may turn out that no tears, prayers and efforts will force your parents to live together again. So why torture yourself with unfulfilled dreams? Therefore, accept what is, and also that you will not change anything.

Reconcile with your parents.

Resenting your parents for ruining your life can be completely justified. “My parents are selfish,” one young man says bitterly. “They didn’t think at all about how it would affect us. They just got divorced." Yes, this can happen. However, is it worth harming yourself by living with bitterness and anger in your heart?

“All irritation and rage and anger ... let them be removed from you; but be kind to one another, compassionate, forgiving one another.” How can you forgive those who hurt you so much? Try to be objective with your parents - after all, they are imperfect people who tend to make mistakes. If you understand this, it will be easier for you to come to terms with them.

Share your experiences.

“Actually, I never started talking about how I feel about the divorce of my parents,” shared one young man. However, while talking on this subject, he became more and more unperturbed, and in the end he could not at all refrain from tears. Emotions that have been hidden for so long have come out. The astonished young man confessed: "I spoke out - and it became easier."

Maybe it's better for you to talk to someone, and not withdraw into yourself. Tell your parents what is in your heart: let them know about your anxieties and fears.

Do not be upset!

Perhaps after the divorce of your parents, your life will no longer be the same as before. But this does not mean that it will become meaningless and bleak. Do not be discouraged - do not let sadness and anger deprive you of strength! Get better at your studies. Find yourself a hobby. Be always busy.

Yes, it will take diligence, dedication and time. Only then will the pain caused by your parents' divorce gradually subside.

Should you leave home?

"Mother and father! So I decided to leave. As I already said, I am not doing this because I want to annoy you or repay you for something. It's just that I can't be happy constantly living at your behest. Maybe when I leave home, I won’t find happiness either, but I still want to try.”

With these words, a girl began her farewell letter to her parents.

One young man put it this way: “I just want to be more independent. You are no longer satisfied that you live with your parents. Constantly some disputes, parents do not understand what you need. In addition, they infringe on you by demanding that you be accountable to them for every step you take.”

Perhaps you, too, had the idea of ​​leaving home.

Are you ready for an independent life?

But is it possible to say that you are ready for such a desired independence? After all, living on your own is not as easy as it seems. Often there are difficulties with work. Housing prices are skyrocketing. And what do teenagers often do when they find themselves in a financial impasse? In the words of the authors of one book, "they return home and expect their parents to provide for them again."

Also, are you a mature enough person mentally, emotionally and spiritually? Perhaps you consider yourself an adult, but your parents can still notice the "infant" in you. And who, if not parents, should know to what extent you are ready for an independent life? Going against their will and acting on your own, you can easily get into trouble.

"I can't get along with them!"

You too? Even if this is the case, you should not immediately rush to pack your bags. Although you are no longer a child, you still need parents, and their wisdom and insight will most likely be useful to you for many years. Should you cut your parents out of your life just because you didn't get along with them a couple of times?

Here is what a young man who left home to live on his own had to say about this: “Never leave home just because you can't get along with your parents. If you can't get along with your parents, how can you get along with other people? Leaving home will not solve your problems. On the contrary, you will only prove that you “have not matured” to an independent life and further move away from your parents.

Morality and motives

Also, adolescents usually do not attach importance to the fact that, breaking away from their parents too early, they seriously endanger their morality.

One young man wanted to become independent and decided to live separately from his parents. Bereft of them positive impact, he plunged headlong into immorality, "living dissolutely." He soon squandered everything he had. Unable to find any other job for himself, he hired himself to herd pigs, which was considered completely unacceptable for any self-respecting person. At last this prodigal son regained his sanity. Suppressing pride, he returned home and began to beg his father for forgiveness.

Another young man recalls one of his peers who left home: “He began to live with his girlfriend, although they were not scheduled. They had parties all the time, alcohol flowed like water, and this guy often got drunk. If he had lived at home, his parents would never have allowed him to do anything like that.” And he concluded: “Of course, when you live apart from your parents, you have more freedom. But, to be completely frank, this freedom is often used as an opportunity to do what is condemned.

So if you're looking for more freedom, ask yourself: why do I want it? Maybe in order to acquire some things for myself or to act at my own discretion, what would my parents forbid me if I lived with them?

“How will I grow up living with my parents?”

One book notes: “Leaving home is not the same as making a successful transition (to adulthood). Just like staying does not mean that you will not be able to grow up.

Indeed, being an adult is much more than just having your own money, a job, and a place to live. To get on your feet, you need to be able to overcome difficulties. Avoiding unpleasant situations will not achieve anything.

Take for example strict parents or parents with a difficult character. The father of Maxim, now a forty-seven-year-old man, always loaded him with household chores as soon as he came from school. During summer holidays when the rest of the children were resting, Maxim had to work. “We did not see any rest or entertainment, and I thought that there was no one worse than my father in the world,” says Maxim. “I have often dreamed of running away somewhere and living separately.” But now he thinks differently: “What my father did for me can be called a priceless gift. Thanks to my father, I learned to work hard and overcome difficulties. Since then, I have had worse problems, but I already knew how to deal with them. ”

Not life, but a fairy tale

And yet, in order to become adults, it is not enough just to live at home. One young man says: “It was not life with parents, but a fairy tale. They did everything for me." But in order to grow up, you need to learn how to work with your own hands. Of course, taking out the trash or washing clothes is not as pleasant as listening to recordings of your favorite singers. But what happens if you never get used to it? You will grow up as a person completely dependent on your parents and others.

Whoever you are: a boy or a girl, are you preparing for an independent life: are you learning to cook, clean, iron clothes, fix a car or make repairs in an apartment?

material independence

How I want to grow up quickly so as not to beg for money from my parents!

Young people in prosperous countries often think of money as easy to earn and even easier to spend. Working part-time, they often spend their earnings on musical equipment or fashionable clothes. What an abrupt “awakening” these teenagers have when they leave home to live on their own! Here is what the guy we already mentioned about himself says about himself: “By the end of the month (of independent life) I had neither money nor food left.”

Why not learn how to manage money properly while you are still living with your parents? They have gained considerable experience in this matter and can help you avoid many troubles.

Ask your parents questions such as: How much do we have to pay per month for electricity? For heating? For water? For a phone? What taxes did we pay? How much should you pay for an apartment? You might be surprised to learn that working teens often have more pocket money than their parents! Therefore, if you work somewhere, try to make a reasonable contribution to the family budget.

While you are at home, study

No, you don't have to leave home to grow up. While you live with your parents, educate yourself in prudence and balance. Also learn to maintain good relationships with people. Prove that you can respond appropriately to criticism, setbacks, and disappointments.

Sooner or later, circumstances such as marriage may force you to leave your father's house. And until this happens, why rush to leave the house? Talk to your parents about this. Maybe they'll be glad you're staying, especially if you're really contributing to the family's well-being. With the help of your parents, you will be able to grow up and learn something new without leaving your home.

Should you run away from home?

Many teenagers leave the family, just to get rid of the unbearable, in their opinion, conditions. Life on the street is not life.

More than a million teenagers run away from home every year. Of the one and a half million American boys and girls who run away every year, most return home after a few days, because whatever the difficulties at home, they are nothing compared to what awaits on the street: loneliness, hunger. But those who have been “on the street” for a month or more usually start earning their living by prostitution and become victims of drugs.

Some seek to get rid of unbearable conditions in the family and flee from beatings and sexual harassment. But much more often, quarrels with parents over school grades and household duties, disputes about what time to return home and with whom to be friends become the reason for beatings.

No matter how terrible home problems are, there are much better ways to solve them than running away from home.

Your views may be fundamentally different from the views of your parents. But have you ever thought about the fact that your parents have a responsibility to educate you? Therefore, they have the right to insist that you do not communicate with certain peers. Is it worth it to rebel or run away from home? You, too, have a duty to honor your father and mother.

Besides, running away from home won't solve anything. “It will only add to your problems,” says Emma, ​​who ran away from home at the age of fourteen.

“Only a few fugitives can find a job and live on their own. For most, life is becoming even more difficult than before.”

“Children do not find the desired freedom on the street. They meet the same as them, teenagers who have run away or been kicked out of their homes, living in abandoned buildings and defenseless against robbers and rapists. They also run into a lot of people who do their dirty business on teenagers and become easy prey for them.”

Runaway Emma was "sheltered" by a twenty-two-year-old guy - for a certain "fee": he forced her to sleep not only with him, but also with nine of his friends. Emma got drunk and took huge doses of drugs. Another girl, Sveta, decided to run away from the family in which she was brought up, due to sexual abuse by her grandfather. Sveta began to engage in prostitution on the street, slept on a bench in the park or just anywhere. This happens to many runaway teenagers.

Most fugitives do not have a profession that would give them the opportunity to earn a living. There are also no documents necessary for getting a job: birth certificates, passports, registration certificates. “I had to steal and beg,” says Leonid, “but mostly steal, because no one gave.”

About 60% of the fugitives are girls, many of whom earn their living through prostitution. Fugitives are often looked out for at bus stations by porn dealers, drug dealers and pimps. Sometimes they offer frightened teenagers a place to sleep or food. And they even give these children what they lacked so much at home - the feeling that they love you.

However, over time, "benefactors" begin to demand "payment" for their services. Often you have to "pay" with your body: engage in prostitution, participate in sexual perversions or pose for porn pictures. It is not surprising that many fugitives and runaways eventually become crippled and even die!

The importance of a child's relationship with his parents is that no matter how hard these relationships are for us, we cannot simply break off these relationships. Not only because until a certain age we are financially dependent on our parents. But also because at any age our life, our successes, our happiness and even health directly depend on our relationship with our parents and on their attitude towards us.

Without exaggeration, the parent-child relationship defines our entire life. Personal, family, and our relationship with our own children.

Therefore, we must be very careful about our relationship with our parents and do what we can to improve it.

We recommend a distance (online) happiness training course for those who are unhappy: “From unhappy to become happy”

Adopt parents

What did I do wrong?

Accept your parents

What happens to a child if the mother does not know how to love

The scars of parenting

11 ways to make peace with your parents

We must reconcile with our parents

Daughters-mothers

Our parents are not forever

Accept your parents for who they are.

Honoring parents should not come to weak-willed obedience to them

Relationships with parents: start with yourself

fathers daughters

We have the right to be happy in our own way

Parents are people too!

Growing up against the wishes of the parents

Don't try to prove anything to your parents

What language to speak with parents

To be heard, you must first hear

Don't be a prosecutor

generous tree

The child's right to be what he is

Relationships with parents

Relationship between parents and children

Treat your parents better than your enemies

Relationships with parents are one of those subtle bonds, the nature of which has a huge impact on each of us. The dynamics of these relationships tend to change significantly throughout our lives. Of course, ideally, it is assumed that parents grow up with their children, and their relationship sooner or later goes beyond the initially designated roles of the educator and the child. Despite the fact that some admit that parental ties burden them, bind them hand and foot and make them feel insecure, it is the parents who, over time, become our emotional support and support.

Some people prefer that mom and dad stay out of their lives. Others, for whatever reason, feel better when their parents have a certain place in their lives, but still live at some distance. However, many of us still believe that a good relationship with our parents is something that is really worth working on. And the older we get, the more opportunities we have to look at these relationships in a new way - to start communicating with mom and dad not from the position of a child, but an equal adult. Here are some ideas to help you connect with your parents.

Treat your parents with respect