Tips - cool, useless and harmful. Fun tips for every day Cool tips

Leaving children alone in the house, teach them to answer all calls: - “Dad and mom are busy. They clean and oil the machine gun.”

A glass eye inserted into the peephole will scare away any thief from your apartment.

When the bandits start to break down the door, try to break it from your side at the same time. This will confuse attackers.

Man, if you finally undertook to wash your socks, then the most important thing is that there should be an even number of them.

When opening a closet, it is better to knock first.

Shoes will last much longer if you don't buy new ones.

Your travel pass will last you a little longer if you pass your stop.

A black shirt with white dots is the perfect protection against dandruff!

Advice to wives: if on March 8 your husband gave you household appliances from Eldorado, think about who got the “second one for free”.

Resentment is easier to bear if swallowed together with the offender.

Do not offend the weak if he is stronger than you.

If you don't understand yourself, don't let someone else understand.

The inability to lie is not a reason to tell the truth.

Zucchini caviar will become tastier if you replace it with black or red.

Waiting for an important call and can't wait? Put your cell phone in the farthest pocket, go to the bathroom and lather your hands...

Vodka should be drunk very cold. Just icy. Then in the morning you will not have a shameful hangover, but a noble sore throat, on the basis of which any doctor is simply obliged to issue a sick leave.

A gentleman must know what his lady likes, so as not to end up with her where it can be bought.

To find out if the borscht is salted, it is enough to put two electrodes into it and run a current through them. If there is a smell of chlorine, then the borscht is already salted)

So that your hands do not smell like fish, it is enough to dip them in kerosene for a few seconds.

A hot lid on a pot looks just like a cold one!

Your dress will serve you for many years if your husband receives a small salary.

Vegetarian soup will be more nutritious if you put a little meat in it.

Most electrical appliances use less electricity when switched off.

Your husband's socks will last much longer if you soak them in epoxy and dry them with a hair dryer.

Never praise your husband. In men, this causes envy, and in women, a desire to check.

Do not throw a salt shaker at your husband - spilled salt to a quarrel.

Lunch will seem much tastier to the husband if you don’t feed him for 2 days before that.

To distinguish a real Swiss watch from a fake one, throw it with all your might on the concrete floor of the store. If the watch is real, the seller should immediately die of a broken heart.

Using scissors and a small amount of glue, one diaper can be used to make three regular pads or two with wings.

Do not buy bouillon cubes, you are being severely deceived. In fact, these are not cubes, but parallelepipeds!

A screw driven in with a hammer holds tighter than a nail driven in with a screwdriver.

Do not forget that the garden must be watered, weeded, fertilized and shine with the sun!

You can’t look in the mirror when you eat - you’ll eat your happiness. And when you drink, you drink. And in the toilet, it’s better not to hang a mirror at all ...

Do not grab bare wires with wet hands - they can rust.

Remember that small children left unattended become small parents very quickly!

Aquarium fish will thank you and cheer up if, instead of the usual fish food, they get a pinch of another good instant coffee for breakfast.

Don't take everything from life. Don't deliver!

1. If the smoke spreads along the ground - go back and turn off the iron, if it rises like a pillar - you can no longer return.

2. If the left hand itches - for money, if the nose - for a drink, if both - for a drink for free

3. Cats have a sign: if a Negro crosses the road ...

4. If a husband gives flowers for no reason, it means that there is a reason after all.

5. If a woman has a ring on her hand, then she is most likely married. If the beads, then it does not mean anything. If the ring and beads - she is married, but that does not mean anything.

6. A screw driven in with a hammer holds tighter than a nail driven in with a screwdriver.

7. If you want to feel like a star, sit on the Christmas tree!

8. Came - thank you, left - thank you very much ...

9. Life is given to a person once, and mostly by accident ...

10. On the fact of the disappearance of her husband initiated ... two neighbors

11. Better with Petrov in Mallorca than with a major in Petrovka.

12. Never be afraid to do what you can't. Remember, the ark was built by an amateur. Professionals
built the Titanic.

13. If you watch TV, you must have noticed that the good guys always beat the bad guys.
except for the nine o'clock news.

14. Citizens! Fly with Aeroflot! Hurry! There are very few of them left.

15. If you think that nicotine does not affect a woman's voice, try brushing the ashes on the carpet.

16. When a woman says that she has nothing to wear, it means that everything new has ended. When a man
says that he has nothing to wear - this means that everything clean has ended.

17. A speed bump is a good thing - it regulates the speed, and it's nice to move.

18. Russians call the road the place where they are going to pass.

19. If relatives or friends do not call you for a long time, then everything is fine with them.

20. Well, not just where we are not, but where we have never been!

21. To help you or not to interfere?

22. Often looking at a woman in the morning, you realize with horror that the fact that you seduced her yesterday was not yours,
but her merit.

23. When there is only one wife in the family, she grows up selfish.

24. There are three reasons for non-attendance: forgot, washed down or scored.

25. If you want to make God laugh, tell him about your plans.

26. A Russian tank is not as terrible as its drunken crew.

27. No matter how you turn it - well ... pas behind.

28. And the wolves are full, and the sheep are safe, and the shepherd has eternal memory.

29. If you have a beautiful wife, a drop dead mistress, a cool car, no problems with the authorities and
tax authorities, and when you go out into the street the sun always shines and passers-by smile at you - say
No Drugs!

30. Mosquitoes are much more humane than some women, so if a mosquito drinks your blood, he, at least,
stops buzzing.

31. There are three ways to do something: do it yourself, hire someone, or forbid your own
children to do it.

32. Life, of course, was not successful, but otherwise everything is fine.

33. It is not difficult to make a woman happy, it is difficult to remain happy yourself.

34. If you argue with an idiot, he probably does the same.

35. A properly abandoned husband will definitely return like a boomerang.

36. I have infinite respect for the monstrous choice of my people.

37. When time is short, there is no time for friendship, only love.

38. The laziness of a simple Russian person is not a sin, but an absolutely necessary means of neutralizing the ebullient activity of the fools who lead him.

39. Laughter for no reason is a sign that you are either an idiot or a pretty girl.

40. Excuse me for talking when you interrupt.

41. Lottery is the most accurate way to count the number of optimists.

42. A real woman has to cut down a tree, destroy a house and raise a daughter.

43. The patient is on the mend. But it didn't.

44. Send in four toilet lids and you'll get a free roll of toilet paper!

45. Stupid people get married, but smart people get married.

46. ​​American universities are the place where Russian Jews teach mathematics to the Chinese.

47. Life goes away so quickly, as if she is not interested in us ...

48. Pickle is the drink of tomorrow.

49. Laziness is subconscious wisdom.

50. There are people in whom God lives. There are people in whom the devil lives. And there are people that live only worms. (F. Ranevskaya)

51. In the life of every man there comes a period when clean socks are easier to buy.

52. About wives: There is only a moment between the past and the future. That is what is called life.

53. A well-mannered man will not reprimand a woman who does not carry a sleeper well.

54. It is not enough to know one's own worth - one must also be in demand.

55. Take care of your homeland - relax abroad.

56. She came to Siberia and ruined all his hard labor there.

57. Women, like children, love to say no. Men, like children, take it seriously.

58. The highest degree of embarrassment - two glances that met in the keyhole.

general, for women and for men

Men - get married. Women - take heart.

Do not complain about life, this could not have happened!

If you scare an ostrich every 15 centimeters, then you can plant potatoes behind it!

Oilcloth will retain its novelty for a long time if nothing is put on it.

If your meat grinder is broken, try pushing the meat through a colander.

Want to lose seven pounds in a week? It's very simple! Lose weight a kilo a day!

If you are afraid to get better, drink 50 grams of cognac before meals. Cognac dulls the feeling of fear.

If you were punished for nothing - rejoice that you are not guilty of anything.

If something floats into your hands on its own, take a closer look - perhaps it simply does not sink.

Do not show people your happiness - do not poison their lives!

If you cannot rely on a person, it is better to rely on him.

It is better to take a laxative with a sedative - then you will remain calm, even if you do not run.

If you are attacked by a diver: pull out the cord and squeeze out the glass.

Aptly thrown 5 rubles from the hundredth floor to a brand new Lexus RX300 by the end of the flight turn into 90 thousand dollars.

You can’t look in the mirror when you eat - you’ll eat your happiness. And when you drink, you drink. And in the toilet, it’s generally better not to hang a mirror.

If you find a weak spot in a man, feel it until it becomes strong.

Girls! It's easy to cool down the heat of your boyfriend talking about sex. One has only to correct it several times, replacing the word sex with conception.

Beware of a man who comes without holes in his socks - he wants something from you!

Never praise your husband. In other men, this causes envy, and in women, a desire to check.

Never hide your age, otherwise you may be given more.

Using scissors and a small amount of glue, one diaper can be used to make three regular pads or two with wings.

Women, never doubt your attractiveness. Remember: scales lie, people envy, and the mirror is generally crooked.

If the people around you are smiling and glowing with happiness, check your tights and bra first.

If a man calls you a log, tell him that this woodpecker should look for another hollow.

If you don't know how to use a mouse, use a shovel!

It is necessary to tell a woman that she is not like the others, if you want to get from her the same as from others.

If your horns have begun to grow, do not rush to blame your wife. Perhaps you are just a goat.

In order not to hit your fingers when you work with a hammer, the hammer must be held with both hands.

If you have sweaty hands, then before you say hello, politely and cordially pat them on the shoulders of your friend.

It is not difficult to wean a wife from buying everything. Try to wash with her every purchase she makes.

If you are unlucky with your wife, remember that there are other women. If you are lucky with your wife, remember that there are other men.

Azerbaijani folk wisdom: if your ass is being licked, don't relax - maybe it's a lubricant!

Never listen to advice, including this one.

Tips - cool, useless and harmful, collected on the Internet.

Girls let's have some funreading

those funny tips!

Or maybe they're not exactly funny.and they have

and some common sense?

In a word - who will be able to accept them

on the eve of our holiday!!

Tip one. Dear ladies! If your husband in bed calls you someone else's name - try not to be offended. Respond! Honestly, you won't regret it!

Tip two.If you have a night of love, read a quick prayer: Virgin Mary! You conceived without sin, so let me sin without conception!"

Tip three.If you choose a skirt for yourself in a store, but the ones you like are not your size, but the ones that fit you are completely bad taste, then ... buy yourself a handbag!

Council the fourth. Pass the tram in front. Trolleybus - behind. Jeep - slowly, elegant gait, from the side of the window. But "Zaporozhets" generally bypass.

Tip five.If you like men to stare at you with their mouths open and their eyes bulging, try becoming a dentist.

Tip six.If you have guests overstayed on March 8, try to go to the hallway to the phone. Blow out to the guests with a cry: Fire! Fire!" To the question "Who has a fire? answer:- I didn't hear from any of you!

Tip seven.If the photographer asks you to put on a deep thoughtful face, try to remember what eight nine is.

Tip eight.Before agreeing to this advice, listen to the parable first.

Three women completed their earthly journey and ended up in hell. They stand near the wall that separates hell from paradise. Wonderful aromas, wonderful music, a fresh breeze come from behind the wall .... And in hell - like in hell: fumes, fumes, red-hot pans. Here is one and prayed: - Lord! Send me a staircase with as many steps as there are men I have known in my life! And then a staircase with many steps fell at her feet. On it, the whore quickly moved to paradise.

The second woman also turned to the Lord with a similar prayer. Her staircase came out smaller, however, this unfaithful wife ended up in paradise. But the third woman had to stay in hell, because among her few sins, infidelity did not appear. Well, how to climb over the wall on the stairs, in which there is only one step?

And now the advice:

Dear ladies! Think about heavenly life now!

Tip nine.If you are applying for a job as a secretary, first find out if the director is married. If so, then this job is not for you.

Tip ten.Dear girls! Let your parents choose your husband for you. Otherwise, some time after the wedding, you will simply be beside yourself with the thought that you chose this monster yourself.

Tip Eleven . If you want your date to always be freshly shaved, try ... not to be late.

Council twelve. If your friends tease you about your husband having a mistress, answer down:

Our financial situation is such that we can afford it!

Council thirteenth. Dear hostesses! A modest bottle of vodka will decorate your table and help hide minor culinary blunders.

Happy Holidays, dear Valentines!!!

• If you want to become a portrait, keep yourself within limits.
• Take care of your homeland - relax abroad.
• If you don't know what to choose - choose both.
• Tired of critical days - change sex.
• Do not show people your happiness - do not poison their lives!
• If you don't know how to use a mouse, use a shovel!
• To prevent cabbage from being gnawed by hares, it is recommended to grow it in an open, well-shootable area.
• Aptly thrown 5 rubles from the hundredth floor to a brand new Lexus RX300 by the end of the flight turn into 90 thousand dollars.
• Women, never doubt your attractiveness. Remember: scales lie, people envy, and the mirror is generally crooked.
• Reminder for men: There should be so many clothes in the wife's closet that no lover could fit there.
• If you want to be treated like a human, be a human.
• In order not to spend money on children's Dirol Kids chewing gum tomorrow, do not forget to use gum for adults today.
• Do you want to keep your opinion? Then keep it to yourself.
• For life to suit you, first arrange it. Otherwise, it will not arrange you where it suits you.
• Do not smoke in bed: the ashes that you have to sweep up later may be your own.
• Eat shawarma - help clean up the city from stray dogs!
• Do not regret the past - it did not regret you!
• Never tell people about your problems, 80% are not interested in them, the remaining 20% ​​are glad that you have them!
• Be tolerant of other people's mistakes. Maybe you yourself were born by mistake.
• Do not be offended by the joke, take note of the joker.
• Stretching pleasure, do not tear it.
• Be original - do not repeat the mistakes of others.
• Never open green with your teeth.
• Advice to men: if rape is unavoidable, relax and rape!
• Mold reproduces by spores - don't argue with mold.
• Salt deposits in the joints? Don't be sad - take a bite.
• Life is short. Be patient a little.
• Fisherman, be careful with the dosage of saliva, spitting on the worm in the morning! An excessive drunken market of this invertebrate is able not to attract, but to scare away fish!
• Do not decorate the fence with your writings! Please write somewhere else!
• Don't stay up until hemorrhoids!
• Tip for users: if the printer is broken, put the monitor on the copier.
• When preparing boxes of old trash for disposal, do not consider their contents, otherwise there will be nothing to throw away.
• Leave in English. Don't wait to be sent in Russian.
• Are you told that you are smart and beautiful? Don't argue - you can't convince people.
• Boys, do not offend girls, do not pull their pigtails - the girls will grow up and come in handy!
• Never dig a hole for another. Use the one he dug for you.
• Do you like to iron, but the iron broke? Buy a cat!
• To keep your teeth better - do not poke your nose into other people's business.
• Do not demand more from your wife than you can!
• At work, always give your 100%: 12% on Monday, 23% on Tuesday, 40% on Wednesday, 20% on Thursday, and 5% on Friday.
• Park your car on a busy freeway, put your hair dryer out the window towards the traffic. You will see them slow down.
• Check your son's homework and make him do push-ups for every mistake. If he grows up dumb, at least he will be strong.
• Tired of menstruation? Try not to use condoms. They say it helps.
• Do you want your hair to always be shiny? Stop washing them!
• A glass eye inserted into a peephole will scare away any thief from your apartment.
• Never hit a lying person, he can get up.
• You can fall asleep twice as fast if you count two sheep at a time.
• Never become a cancer on someone's lack of fish ...
• To learn how to swear for real, you need to learn how to drive a car.
• Guys, make a list of those who need to be congratulated on March 8 on Defender of the Fatherland Day.
• Never argue with an idiot - he will bring you down to his level, and then win, because he has experience.
• Never do something right the first time - otherwise no one will appreciate how difficult it was later.
• If you don’t want your boss to go after you, stop laughing at his every joke.
• Do not stand anywhere - it will hit again.
• Can't stand while others are working? Go lie down...
• Let the one who is too lazy to itch to wash!
• A frank confession eases the guilt, but lengthens the term.
• Marriage is grounds for divorce.
• When you say to your husband: "You are mine" Always specify what exactly to wash.
• No one has died from knowledge yet, but it's not worth the risk!
• A closed mouth helps keep teeth healthy.
• When troubles recede, the main thing is not to pursue them.
• The less you will be on the Internet - the children will be healthier!
• Be carefull! The wrong hangover can lead to binge drinking!
• Do not have a hundred friends, but have all the enemies...
• Do not fool around - you will become a drug addict.
• A screw driven in with a hammer sits better than a nail driven in with a screwdriver.
• Do not boast that your wife is the best: women may be offended, and men will want to make sure.
• Never talk about yourself either good or bad. In the first case, they will not believe you, and in the second, they will embellish.
• Never let the computer know that you are in a hurry.
• On New Year's Eve, eat vodka with semolina and vinaigrette: semolina comes out easily, and vinaigrette is beautiful.
• Away is not customary to be particularly picky. It is necessary to eat what they give, drink what they pour, and sleep with those with whom they put it.
• Remember, the Lord sees everything. Live so that he was interested!
• Do not try to understand a woman, otherwise, God forbid, you will understand!
• The best way to lose weight is to eat as much as you want of what you can't stand.
• Respect the work of cleaners! Don't leave them unemployed.
• You need to sharpen and borrow money suddenly.
• Scratch your back before cutting your nails.