I don't have my own opinion. How to learn not to depend on the opinions of others and be yourself If you don’t have your own opinion

We are satisfied with life when we are loved and waited by loved ones and significant people. This dependence can be taken for granted and "do not scratch where it does not itch." And what to do if it does not give rest public opinion? Know yourself and make sure you are worthy of love and respect.

It would seem, what difference does it make to us, who will think about how beautiful we are, what we are wearing, what we said or did? The famous once said: “I don’t care what you think of me, because I don’t think about you at all.” The same opinion is shared by our contemporary American actress Cameron Diaz, who said that she does not care about the opinions of others, and she will live her life the way she wants, and not someone else.

People who are independent of other people's opinions can be envied, but they are in the minority. Most need the approval of others, sometimes even those who are unsympathetic to them. For some, such addiction generally becomes so painful that they need the services of a psychotherapist. In particular, actress Megan Fox, known for her phobias, has mental problems. Although, according to her, she often manages to ignore the streams of lies spread about her by tabloid publications, nevertheless, she once said: “... Believe me, I care what people think about me, ... because I'm not a robot ".

Impressive people with a vulnerable psyche, and especially young ones, are too dependent on the opinions of others. Perhaps it will be easier for them when they learn about the 18-40-60 rule of the American psychologist Daniel Amen, the author of many bestsellers, among which is “Change Your Brain, Change Your Life!”. He assures his patients, suffering from complexes, insecure and overly dependent on the opinions of other people: “At 18, you care about what others think about you, at 40 you don’t give a damn about it, and at 60 you understand that others about you don't think at all."

Where does this dependence on other people's opinions come from, the desire to please and earn words of approval, sometimes even from strangers?

Of course, there is nothing wrong with charming the interlocutor, making a favorable impression on him, no. After all, as they say, "a kind word is pleasant for a cat."

We are talking about something else: about cases when, in an effort to please a person, he says not what he thinks, but what others would like to hear from him; dresses not in the way that is convenient for him, but in the way that friends or parents impose on him. Gradually, without noticing how, these people lose their individuality and stop living their own lives. How many destinies did not take place due to the fact that the opinions of others were put above their own!

Such problems have always existed - as long as humanity has existed. Another Chinese philosopher who lived BC. e., remarked: "Worry about what other people think of you, and you will forever remain their prisoner."

Psychologists say that dependence on someone else's opinion is characteristic primarily of people with low self-esteem. Why people do not value themselves is another question. They may have been bullied by authoritarian or perfectionist parents. Or maybe they lost faith in themselves and their abilities because of the failures that followed one after another. As a result, they begin to consider their opinions and feelings as not worthy of someone else's attention. Worried that they will not be respected, taken seriously, out of love and rejected, they try to be “like everyone else” or be like those who, in their opinion, enjoy authority. Before they do anything, they ask themselves the question: “What will people think?”.

By the way, the well-known work by A. Griboyedov “Woe from Wit”, written back in the 19th century, ends with the words of Famusov, who is not worried about the conflict that occurred in his house, but “What will Princess Marya Alekseevna say?”. In this work, the Famus society with its sanctimonious morality is opposed by Chatsky, a self-sufficient person with his own opinion.

Let's face it: depending on the opinions of others is bad, because people who do not have their own point of view are treated with condescension, they are not considered and respected. And, feeling this, they suffer even more. In fact, they cannot be happy because they are constantly in a state of internal conflict. They are haunted by a sense of dissatisfaction with themselves, and their mental anguish repels people who prefer to communicate with those who are confident in themselves.

True, there is another extreme: one's opinion, desires and feelings are put above all else. Such people live by the principle: "There are two opinions - mine and the wrong one." But that, as they say, is "an entirely different story."

Is it possible to learn not to depend on the opinions of others?

As the secretary Verochka from the film “Office Romance” said, if you wish, “you can also teach a hare to smoke.” But seriously, people underestimate their capabilities: they can do a lot, including

1. Change yourself, that is, learn to be yourself

And for this, first of all, a strong desire is needed. Writer Ray Bradbury said to people, "You can get whatever you want, as long as you really want it."

To change yourself means to change the way you think. The one who changes his thinking will be able to change his life (unless, of course, it suits him). After all, everything that we have in life is the result of our thoughts, decisions, behavior in different situations. When making a choice, it is worth considering what is paramount for us - our own life or the illusions of other people.

Known for his bright individuality, the artist said that he developed the habit of being different from everyone else and behaving differently than other mortals, he developed in his childhood;

2. Control yourself

Having your own opinion does not mean not listening to someone else's. Someone may have more experience or be more competent in some matters. When making a decision, it is important to understand what it is dictated by: your own needs or the desire to keep up with others, the fear of not being a black sheep.

There are many examples when we make a choice, thinking that it is ours, but in fact, friends, parents, colleagues have already decided everything for us. Marriage is forced on a young man, because “it’s necessary” and “it’s time”, because all friends already have children. A 25-year-old girl who studies in the city is asked by her mother to bring at least some young man, passing off as her husband, because mother is ashamed in front of her neighbors that her daughter is not yet married. People buy things they don't need, arrange expensive weddings, just to meet other people's expectations.

When making a choice and making a decision, it is worth asking ourselves how it corresponds to our desires. Otherwise, it is easy to let yourself be led astray from your own life path;

3. Love yourself

Ideal is a relative concept. What serves as an ideal for one may not be of any interest to another. Therefore, no matter how hard we try, there will still be a person who will condemn us. How many people, so many opinions - it is impossible to please everyone. Yes, and I am “not a chervonets to please everyone,” said some literary hero.

So why waste your mental strength on a useless activity? Wouldn't it be better to look at ourselves in order to finally realize how unique we are and worthy of our own love and respect! This is not about selfish narcissism, but about love for your body and your soul as a whole.

A person who does not love his house does not put it in order and does not decorate it. The one who does not love himself does not care about his development and becomes uninteresting, therefore he does not have own opinion and passes off someone else's as his own;

4. Stop thinking

Many of us exaggerate our importance in the lives of those around us. A married colleague had an affair with an employee. Nobody was interested in this fact enough to discuss it for more than a few minutes. But it seemed to the employee that everyone was talking about him. And indeed, with all his appearance, he did not let people forget about it: he blushed, turned pale, stuttered, and eventually quit, unable to withstand, as he believed, behind-the-scenes conversations. In reality, no one was interested in his fate, because each person is primarily concerned with his own problems.

All people are primarily concerned with themselves, and even if someone puts on socks different color, a sweater inside out, will dye his hair pink, he will not be able to surprise them or attract their attention to himself. Therefore, you should not depend on the opinions of others, to whom we are often completely indifferent;

5. Learn to ignore someone else's opinion if it is not constructive

Only those who are nothing are not criticized. The American writer Elbert Hubbrad said that if you are afraid of being criticized, then "do nothing, say nothing and be nothing." And we don't want to be nobody. This means that we accept constructive criticism and do not pay attention to the one with which we do not agree, not allowing it to determine our life. The famous, addressing the graduates of Stanford University, admonished them: "Your time is limited, do not waste it living someone else's life."

Other people's successes and popularity often cause envy among people who crave them, but who lack the intelligence, abilities, self-discipline to win them. Such people are called haters, and they live on the Internet. They express their “hateful” opinion in the comments, trying to break and force to “leave” those who, in their opinion, have undeservedly gained fame. And sometimes they succeed.

Those who love to criticize, wrote Oscar Wilde, are those who are not able to create something themselves. Therefore, they are worthy of regret, and they should be treated with a share of irony and humor. As one friend says, their opinion will not affect my bank account in any way.

Name: Maksim

I am a person with a very ambiguous outlook on life. I have divided and even confused opinions about various things that hurt me. I listen to one person, he says - do as I say. I listen to the second, he says - as I do (live) - the only right thing. I, trying to comprehend something from these two opinions, give birth to a third, mixed with my own guesses. Just like in religion, I can't understand whether I believe or not. I can believe that there is no God, but I'm afraid to present myself as an atheist in front of the rest of the majority. Or in terms of music, I listen to absolutely any music of my genre without dividing it into subgenres and I like everything, but everyone says that this is shit, and that I don’t understand music at all, and I start to think about something. On the Internet, I'm afraid to express my opinion - yes, yes, I'm stupidly afraid that they will "find me and teach me about life." But the fact is that in general life experience, because my development is very small (I am 19 years old), I also do not deny my own weakness of will and spirit. Therefore, I don’t consider my opinion to be correct and I can’t put up with someone else’s (it’s clear that I’m not proud, I just don’t want to imitate someone). I look at peers and understand that in many aspects of life they know much better than me. Someone has never taken up textbooks and is studying like hell, someone is a football fan, someone is successfully involved in sports, someone plays the guitar, and someone can simply justify his opinion with brute force, and he doesn’t give a damn that the other person thinks. That is, everyone can be interesting in something and have an opinion, as opposed to me. I have nothing to offer anyone, neither friends nor girls. I constantly have an internal question - what will *someone* think of me when I *do something*. I'm afraid to look at a person incorrectly, passing by, to stagger with excitement. I even hide my computer monitor from people walking by because I'm ashamed to show what I'm doing there (and this is far from watching pornography). I am ashamed of my non-standard musical views, not very high academic performance, my dissonant surname, my emotionless look, and even the unpleasant smell from different places, not only from my mouth. I even got used to talking to myself, initially it was a stupid answer to my own question from my own little points of view, but over time this habit worked out so much that I do not distinguish a living person from my second self. I discuss my problems with myself. But there is no sense in such conversations, except for disappointment.
And sometimes you take it and think about how you can live in this paranoid uncertainty .. How to overcome it?

Listening to the opinions of other people is a good habit that allows you not to become isolated in your own selfishness and often even become better. But sometimes this quality passes through some invisible line and becomes a painful and unpleasant phenomenon. Someone else's opinion can bring mental anguish, and some especially persistent individuals can even manage to dictate their will to us. There is nothing good in such a situation, and if you got into it or are afraid to get into it, then you need to strengthen your “protective barriers” and resist social and personal pressure.

Don't act contrary

If you want to stop depending on someone else's opinion, then we can assume that the easiest way is to ignore it. This is not a very good move, because ignoring other people's opinions is the same mistake as completely depending on them. Try to filter every opinion that you feel is influencing you.

First, think about what the person who is imposing this opinion on you is trying to do. Why does he do this? Does he really want to subjugate you to his will, does he always act this way because of his character - or did it just seem to you that this opinion is obsessive? In any case, be sure to think about what the person wanted to tell you and what can be learned from this message. If this is criticism, then it certainly has a reasonable grain that you can use for your own benefit in the next step of self-development. If a person just emotionally spoke out in his hearts, then perhaps he needs your support.

flowing water style

If other people have a strong influence on you, then it is likely that you find it difficult to refuse. So, you need to learn to say "No". Easy to say, hard to do! Try to be confident in yourself and do not refuse right and left on the move. At the same time, it is not necessary to soften the very form of refusal. Act as the Japanese have done since ancient times: first, instead of "No", say: "I'll think about it." And then muster up the courage and really refuse, having prepared weighty arguments. If it is still difficult to do this face to face, then use an "electronic intermediary", that is, issue your refusal by e-mail or message in the messenger. At the same time, it will be possible, point by point, to sensibly describe the reason for his refusal, and not to choose words, painfully blushing from awkwardness.

Study, study and study again!

So that no one can influence your opinion, practice how to make it yourself. For example, write critiques and reviews of everything you see, hear, and visit. Movies, books, plays are the obvious, but you can also write a review of a new employee, renovation of your best friend's apartment, or even a "review" of your neighbor's stupid dog. All this contributes to the formation of critical thinking and the emergence of self-confidence, because if you get used to looking for arguments for reviews and reviews, then you can easily find them in a regular conversation. If you are easily convinced by other people's arguments in conversations, then express your opinion first, then no one can change it. And you can always note the valuable finds of others during their story.

The uniqueness of the snowflake

To express your opinion on a par with someone else's, it is important to love yourself for who you are. Do not belittle your own personality, do not be shy and try to realize that all people are different, therefore your opinion is just as valuable as the opinion of another person. Of course, there are times when another person's opinion will be more valuable than yours. For example, if you have been working in your position for only a couple of months, and a professional with ten years of experience is talking to you on a professional topic, who ate a dog in this specialty. But even in this situation, you should not worry, because if this pro is really such a good specialist, then he will always be open to other people's opinions and will not allow ridicule of other people's mistakes. Do not be afraid to express your opinion if it contradicts the opinion of the majority. Remember the uniqueness of each person and each opinion, then there will be no problems with this question.

Look for the positive

The main enemy of a person who is weighed down by someone else's opinion is not so much self-doubt as a tendency to think. Many people exaggerate the significance of their mistakes and failures in the lives of others, they are afraid to seem stupid or frivolous, although in fact almost everyone around them will forget about your worst failure in five minutes and think more about themselves. If you really got into a situation where your opinion was not just wrong, but even stupid, and you were given weighty arguments in favor of this, then do not despair and do not get lost. Laugh at yourself first, turn everything into a joke - and everyone will leave the impression of you as an easy and pleasant person, and not as a

As a child, I was often forbidden to express my opinion, they said: “When they ask, then you will answer.” I learned that I can't do anything, and now I often answer: "I don't know" or "Decide for yourself." I cannot give advice to others, but the main thing is that I myself do not know what I want. I'm used to being offered several options, emphasizing which one is correct. My parents thought it would be better for me. I always waited for clues from others, and for the same reason I preferred to cheat at school - a neighbor knows better. Now parents continue to ask what I want, what I strive for. But I do not know the answers, and there is nowhere to peep.

Julia, 19 years old

Julia, this often happens: first, parents impose their own opinion on the child, and then they wonder why he cannot show independence when faced with important decisions.

Now you continue to follow the pattern of behavior learned in childhood, but it is in your power to abandon it. This is not easy and takes time. The danger is that a child who is used to relying on the opinion of his parents, growing up, shifts responsibility to a partner. Choosing this scenario, you may never know what you want exactly.

You are only 19, and you noticed in time your tendency to rely on the opinions of others. Now it is important to choose a profession. Even if your parents used to make all the decisions, you probably noticed that you liked some activities more than others. Learn to listen to your own desires and use them as a guide.

Don't be afraid to make mistakes. Sometimes it's impossible to judge if a chosen direction is right for you until you try it. Keep track of situations in which you are waiting for clues, and force yourself to make a conscious decision even in minor situations: tea or coffee, with or without sugar. You will soon notice that it has become easier to solve the most serious issues.

The content of the article:

Dependence on someone else's opinion is psychological condition human, due to the oppression of one's own "I" in favor of extraneous considerations. The formation of this quality begins deep in childhood, when parents evaluate and correct the actions of babies. Born in early age the fear of being judged or misunderstood fetters one's own pride and makes one follow the lead of someone else's opinion.

The impact of depending on someone else's opinion on life

Dependence on someone else's opinion usually occurs in people with a weak character. Among the features of such a person, one can observe the inability to independently make any decisions and easily succumb to the influence of outsiders. This state contributes to the subordination of people with this quality to others, stronger and more strong-willed.

How does this kind of addiction affect a person's life:

• Loss of your own "I". One gets the impression that others put pressure on and suppress the personal opinion of the individual. Under such influence, the ability to independently build one's life and make decisions on one or another issue is lost.
• The Need for External Evaluation. Such people need comments and approval of their actions and actions. A different reaction is regarded as an instruction on the true path. A person who has such an addiction is influenced by absolutely everyone around him.
• Indisputable opinion of parents. A child, for whom even in childhood parents always made decisions, already in adulthood often depends on their opinion. Such people remain attached to the assessment from their relatives and are unable to contradict them, although they have the opposite view. Such attachment may lead to the inability to exist independently.
• Failure to defend one's position. If in childhood the baby was constantly subjected to pressure from peers or elders, having matured, he will not be able to lead a discussion. He will no longer want to prove his point. It will be easier for him to agree, and push his opinion into the background.
• Wanting to be like everyone. A person with a similar position is afraid to stand out from the crowd and tries to live according to the principles of the herd. It is always important for such people to know that they are not worse than others, but like everyone else.
• Avoiding Responsibility. Personalities who have these qualities are capable of deception, they cannot be relied upon, because they avoid responsibility in every possible way. A person who moves away from solving serious issues is not welcome in the work team.

Important! Such dependence makes a person a slave who can be led by everyone, point out mistakes and stop the slightest kind of manifestation of individuality. To avoid the undesirable development of such a bondage, it is necessary to immediately sound the alarm and try to get rid of it.

The main reasons for dependence on the opinions of others

Causes of dependence on an outside opinion:

1. Weak character. People with this trait are easily influenced from outside.
2. Man guided by his essence. Such individuals avoid responsibility and are unable to make decisions on their own.
3. Unsuccessful experience. Appears in childhood, when parents stopped the child's initiative to do something on their own. With age, there is no need to manage your life, and this feature is shifted onto the shoulders of friends or relatives.
4. Low self-esteem. This quality does not make it possible to defend one's interests, but on the contrary, it makes a person close up so as not to cause extraneous condemnation.
5. Lack of love in childhood. In adult life, the individual craves to attract attention, begging for approval or condemnation from outsiders. These actions help him feel that he is not an empty place.
6. Created stereotypes. If a child is praised for all his actions (he ate, woke up, went to the toilet, etc.), he lives in fear of doing something wrong and therefore is always guided by other people's advice.

Important! Childhood education becomes the basis for the emergence of addiction. Like many other mental formations, it can be prevented with the help of properly selected methods of purposeful personality development.

Signs of a person dependent on someone else's opinion

The main signs of addiction:

• A person, before performing some action, thinks about how society will evaluate this act, what others will think. These thoughts influence the final decision.
• The person who has been criticized experiences depression, emotional decline and painful well-being.
• There is a fear of being subjected to general discussion or criticism.
• There is a need for a positive assessment and praise of their actions, achievements or personal qualities.
• A person experiences oppression when his actions are not positively evaluated.
• The diligence of the individual comes down to meeting the expectations of people.
• A person sacrifices his principles and views in favor of someone else's opinion.
• Ignoring discussions, the presence of fear to defend one's point of view.
• There is a feeling that a person lives someone else's life, and at the same time there is an oppression of one's own "I".

How to stop depending on other people's opinions

After analyzing the problem, psychologists have developed a certain algorithm of actions, how not to depend on someone else's opinion:

1. self-observation. This technique is based on the practice of mindfulness. You need to analyze your thoughts. The most varied feelings must be noticed. Then the person will understand that in his emotions there is resentment, anger, anxiety, a feeling of inexpressibility. Having identified these features, he learns to recognize them without dividing them into good and bad. By learning to feel their thoughts, people determine their origin. Appreciating the emotional reaction to a stimulus, awareness appears, which saves a person from self-condemnation.
2. Privacy. People suffering from addiction are afraid of loneliness, they try to be even with those who harm them, just not to be left alone with themselves. To get rid of such negative attachment, you need to gradually learn to stay alone. Realizing that this method is effective, you need to prepare a place for spending time. The created favorable atmosphere will allow you to be in peace and harmony with yourself. Such actions will eventually beat off the fear of loneliness and teach independence.
3. Determining your own desires. People who are attached to someone else's opinion do not have life goals and their own view of this or that situation. All the manifestations presented are hidden behind a stranger's face, because everything that relatives want, a dependent person also wants to have. Such an individual needs to find strength in himself and answer questions about what is important to him and who he wants to be in life.
4. Manifestation of aggression. Each person tends to throw out his emotional indignation and defend a personal vision of a particular situation. If you constantly restrain aggression in yourself and do not let it out, this can cause a painful state of health, develop personal apathy. Defending your position, you will be able to find your own opinion, which will help you escape from the captivity of addiction.
5. Setting boundaries. Having outlined a clear limit of what is permitted, a person gains universal approval. Shaky boundaries breed insecurity, which turns a lot of people off. After all, only distinct facets speak of the presence of life goals that will never be shaken. This kind of action will allow you to find your face in society.
6. Getting rid of illusions. This action will help to realize that there are no ideal people. Even those individuals in whom they see idols have a set of negative qualities. Looking closely at them, you can destroy the illusory world created by your own consciousness.

A list of exercises that will tell you how to stop depending on someone else's opinion:

• It is necessary to watch a movie or read a book, just so that the material is known to everyone. After getting acquainted with the chosen plot, you should make a list in which the moments you like and not so much are written. When a person gets into the essence of a movie or book, he should talk with close friends about what impression he had. During the conversation, disputes may arise, but in no case should you deviate from your already formed opinion. The proposed exercise is recommended to be repeated until the person feels self-confidence.
• It is necessary to prescribe goals that are planned to be implemented in a certain life period. After completing this procedure, people gain confidence and strive to achieve what they planned.
• You need to be able to refuse, to cultivate the strength in yourself to say “No!” to people. To learn this, you need to start small. For example, when a friend proposes to meet at a certain time, it is worth changing it for at least 30 minutes, but this will already be a positive shift.

If a person cannot cope with dependence on the opinions of others on his own, then only a specialist can help him.